Some of these were said by people I know, others were from strangers who I was listening to whilst enjoying coffee or some other beverage at a public place.
Handjob
What the shit?
No dickhead, I don't have a problem, I just want you to stop touching my fucking rabbit? (NOTE: the rabbits name was Skittles)
You look like I feel right now... pretty.
No, mapquest is definitely for faggots.
Q: What animals would you like to see have sex and create an offspring?
A: A giraffe and a manatee.
So why the hell can't a dog and cat have babies anyhow?
I'd probably kill a man if I could have like, fins... or something... You know like, webbed feet or whatever? For swimming.
Well jeez, those girls look like fucking pieces of trash.
Why the fuck would you bring a camera?
Dude, if you like, come over or whatever, just don't bring any milk.
What's wrong with milk?
Nothing... My brother, he just doesn't like it. He has like, a problem with it... with milk... or whatever.
Was Greg that guy who shit his pants sophomore year?
No, some other dude broke into the school the night before and actually took a shit in one of the seats... But the next morning, Greg sat in it.
Squirrels are fucked up little motherfuckers man. They look all cute when you see them in the context of nature, you know? Cuz like, nature is all bigger than like, a sofa I guess... or whatever. But trust me, if you ever see one in your apartment, like literally next to an actual sofa, then, well shit, they are fucking huge.
My friend caught a pigeon with his bare hands one time
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