As a freelance pursuit, I work as a scriptreader for production companies. Basically what this entails is my having to read poorly written scripts by a bunch of nobodies who inexplicably still were able to submit their work. So then I read these scripts and I submit a three page synopsis back to the company with either a PASS or FAIL type mark thing. Here is a recent breakdown I sent in for a screenplay:
TITLE: SPACE COWBOYS
First off, I am fairly certain that this title has been used at least once before for a movie, which is a bad sign. Also, said title is written in some sort of "fun font" that I would describe as "snowflakish meets Rambo." Not a good start for him, which seems appropriate given the written equivalent of shit that was to follow...
We are on a spacecraft. A prison actually. It is space jail which, to me, sounds hilarious right off the bat, however, this is probably the ninth script this year that involves some sort of prison that orbits earth, so really, I can't be sure if 9 seems like too many or not. There are four inmates, one of whom is either named Priest, or is literally a Priest... I can't recall.
Moving on...
As a whole, the screenplay makes me want to slit my wrists with nothing but dull tree bark, it is however interesting in one facet, in that the author has made the bold choice of having what I can only imagine is a multi-biliion dollar orbiting facility house only four inmates... added to this likely turn of events is the equally plausible suggestion that they are guarded only by robots (yes robots are there as well) and that they are all on death row. As if this weren't good enough, the author has also worked all of this into the decidedly bizarre genre choice of light comedy.
Lovely.
Well like all the previous space jail scripts (and really, any script that takes place in the future), the first thing I noticed while reading this is that once again we see that in the future all knowledge will be downloadable via some sort of three prong outlet housed, conveniently enough, at the back of the neck. People will also live in square houses, the environment will be "bleak", and most clothing will be a one-piece jumpsuit that may or may not be made of silver rubber.
But back to the downloadable knowledge part...
Everytime I see this device, immediately after thinking about how completely original it is (sarcasm), and how it very likely will not result in being the most retarded deux ex machina imaginable (sarcasm), I think; wow, you the author are telling me that reading and school are no longer required in the future? How did the world come to this? Who is responsible? And I suppose everyone on earth is just totally down and accepting? Are there rebels who refuse such a strange three prong head outlet implant procedure?
Because I imagine there would be.
All of these questions are never explored, probably because it would be far too hard to tackle, which may actually result in a somewhat interesting and even 'high concept' screenplay.
But fuck it. What do I know?
Moving on, as you may have guessed, the four prisoner goofballs get into all manner of silly hijinx (not to mention pratfalls) whilst awaiting imminent death vis~a~vis extrordinarily intelligent and powerful, yet surprisingly inept robot guards.
There are numerous references to dropping what the author, for reasons I cannot fathom, repeatedly refers to as Dioxypomresistebright. I don't what this means, but the characters keep saying it in a way that suggests that it has something to do with the plot (it doesn't). Here we have a perfect example of the sort of sci-fi author whom I desperately want to punch in the dick repeatedly. They are so amazed with their ability to imagine a whole new future civilization that they forget about the plot and anything else... oh, and they also forget that every single other fucking writer does this as well.
For brevity's sake, instead of boring you with all of authors witty-space-related-made-up-jargon-that-bores-the-living-shit-out-of-me, I will simply refer to the items as such:
Space________
Like instead of using the author's, "Barlenium crytallic hand ointment bar," I will just say space soap.
Yes. There are numerous references to dropping the space soap. Get it? Because they're in space jail! Funny.
The plot is not very important here, mostly because there is none whatsoever, though I have a vague recollection of it having something to do with the prisoners overpowering evil and inept space jail guard robots. Which they do. And hilariously so.
Moving on, since plot is not pertinent, here is a choice cut of dialogue:
PRIEST
"Watcha thinking about?"
Berkeley stares at a hologram of his daughter.
BERKELEY
"My daughter"
PRIEST
"Hmmm must be tough."
BERKELEY
"You have no idea."
Moving on...
Basically this is what Con-Air would have looked like if the creators presented it completely serious... and in space.
PASS